Monday, October 19, 2009

In case you are wondering: yes, I have given this some serious thought

http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1574

Utahraptor might seem like he is being a good friend by helping T-Rex fake his own death. This kind of looks like he's just a friend helping out his friend, but I don't think that is what's going on. For one thing, a "good friend" will usually not help you break the law by saying, "You're doing this wrong, let me show you how it's really done." In some cases they'll just go along with you on it, if you can convince them of how it's in their interests, but more often a good friend is going to be like, "This is stupid, and you shouldn't do it."

What is probably happening is that Utahrapter either really wants to get T-Rex out of his life, or he wants to show T-Rex how much work is involved here in order to make him reconsider the plan. If it's the latter, then it's probably working, because T-Rex is figuring out that it would be easier just to pay his late fees.

Faking your own death is usually pretty difficult. You have to do it in a way where the police have good reason to think they will never find your body. Like, maybe you go hiking, and then "disappear." You arrange for passage to a foreign country, trying to disguise your face in a way that is really conspicuous but to the point of being suspicious. You live out the rest of your days on a beach, spending the whole day getting drunk. Something like that.

If you want to leave a body, it gets pretty messy. First you have to find a body that is a similar height and bone structure. (Maybe the person is already dead, and maybe not.) Make sure that they have no way of getting a DNA sample of you afterward, to compare it to the body, because that would ruin everything.  Then you have to do everything that a murderer would do to make it a "perfect crime," and the most important part there is to completely disfigure the face, and knock out the teeth so that it can't even be identified through dental records. Then, you have to do something to make sure they find the body, but without just leaving it lying around. One way to do that is to chop it up, put it in garbage bags, and then put those garbage bags in a dumpster.

This whole "leaving a real body behind" method could benefit from a plausible back story that later explains your death. Find a way to blame it on organized crime, whether it's from a loan you don't repay, or something about drugs.

By now, if you are thinking of faking your own death, you are probably giving it second thoughts yourself. But if you still want to go through with it, I can totally help you out.

For a fee, of course.

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